The Four Feelings of a Secure Relationship

The Four Feelings of a Secure Relationship

 

I’ve heard a lot of definitions for what a ‘great relationship’ is. From the guy or gal on the street to the expert with 12 New Your Times best sellers, you hear words like hot, passionate, intimate, close, romantic, and so the list goes on. Now, here’s the truth. The part of your brain that does relationships doesn’t think at all in these terms! That part of your brain uses four feelings as its East, West, North and South to know where it is in a relationship and whether it feels safely loved. The real GPS you can use to tell if you are securely loved uses just four feelings as its emotional compass! What are those feelings you ask? When we feel welcomed with joy, worthy of our needs and nourished, cherished and protected as well as empowered with choice, then we feel deeply loved. If you take away any of those baseline feelings, some part of you will inevitably begin feeling either anxious or avoidant. See, love really isn’t as complicated as it seems!

So throw out your ‘list’ for finding a dream man or woman. That’s nice, but [Read more…]

What’s My Love Style?

What’s My Love Style?

There seems to be a national epidemic of people who are scared of love in our country. The science of how people get wired for love knows that there are three different love styles that people acquire early in life. Which one of these sounds like you?

  • I find it easy to get close to others. Depending on them is expected and natural. I can depend on them and they can depend on me.
  • I get a little uncomfortable when people get too close or depend on me. I often need to have my ‘distance’ in my relationships. I worry that my partners will ask too much of me in a relationship.
  • I often feel that my partner does not want to be as close to me as I would like. Secretly, I am always worrying that they will leave me. Sometimes my very desire for closeness drives away people who love me.

[Read more…]

‘Singing in the Rain’ with Your Partner

‘Singing in the Rain’ with Your Partner

 

So often, Dianne and I hear singles complain that they want to get out of the ‘friends game.’ And, we get that. We do. That being said, the irony is that the science of couple relationships knows that 70% of marital satisfaction for both men and women is based on the quality of the friendship they enjoy with each other. (Yes, on this issue both men and women are in complete agreement!) When a man is truly his partner’s best friend, her eyes just naturally light up. If you are a man, [Read more…]

How to Create Lasting Love

How to Create Lasting Love

(Without Feeling Tied Down or Constantly Worried It Might Go Away)

How can couples create better relationships? Let’s face it, maintaining a passionate relationship that resonates with joy isn’t as easy as it looks in all those romantic movies. One of the secrets to making any relationship better is to ‘lean into’ your partner more and more. We must listen closely to our partner and their needs for them to feel securely loved. The problems come when we get stuck in patterns where we listen more to our ‘inner drama’ than our partner. When we listen more to our inner voices than what our partner is saying, we cease truly seeing or hearing them.   This is a game where [Read more…]

Discover How to Build Healthy, Emotionally Close & Passionate Relationships

Discover how to build healthy, emotionally close, and passionate relationships in your life.

 

Join Rebecca Hall Gruyter as she interviews Dr. Gary Salyer, and Dr. Dianne Frost. In this interview they share their wisdom, insights and practical tips to support you in building healthy, emotionally close, and passionate relationships in your life. We want you to have and build love that lasts a lifetime.

Discover how to become an extraordinary couple.

 

“The Past, Present and Future of Love”

“To love…right now…is to give yourself heaven. Don’t wait until you die. If you wait, you die now. If you love, you live now.” – Alan Cohen

The Past, Present and Future of Love

Now is the only time we can love. Did you know that? Yet so often, we are tempted to love in either the past or the future. That almost never works in a good way. To have a great love, our attention must be on the ‘now.’ If not, we can’t be present to either the one we love or ourselves. Love only lives in the present.

When someone puts all of their attention and focus on the future, they are living in hope. Strangely, hope is never the same thing as having. Try ‘to have and to hold’ in the future. You can’t, can you? And that is the point. Quite often, when someone is always looking to the future, they are running what we call a ‘hope structure.’ That means, at some level, their systems are not safe with actually having love in their lives. Instead, they must always defer love to the time it will all work out, when their partner will make those changes, when I make those changes, when my prince or princess charming comes along, etc. This makes ‘love’ available only as a feeling, but not as a reality.

Such people are often more in love with a dream version of their partner. If you take away all the glitter and gold of that future version of the loved one, you will often find that they are not in love with the real flesh and blood version. This inevitably ends with disappointment for them both.

On the other hand, some people love with attention on the past. For every thing that happens in a relationship, some part is constantly comparing it to the past hurt and trying to avoid it. You often see this when somebody has experienced deep betrayal of trust. No matter what the new partner does, there is a deep projection of past pain. As a result, they can’t actually see the present partner for who they are. Instead, the past colors every moment. The ‘next’ pays for the ‘ex.’

When our focus is on the past, we can’t experience anything new with love. This means on some level, that our systems are only safe with the past. Consciously such folk say they want it better. Yet subconsciously, it is a different story. This inevitably leads to a continuing grievance with love. Nobody wins here.

When we are truly safe with love all of this changes. We begin to experience the spontaneous joy of loving in the present. Loving in the ‘now’ means we can begin to see our partner as they are. We begin to fully appreciate them. Our hearts can now say with depth, ‘I see you.’ There are no colors bleeding into the present from either the past or the future. The darkness of the past is no more. The bright lights of the future do not blind us. Instead, we can offer the greatest gift of love – to be present with another fully. We witness them! In turn, they can mirror back to us all that we offer them. Everybody wins here.

Whether we love in the past or future, it is all learned patterning and therefore adjustable. In my upcoming workshop, this is some of the new material. I will delve into this much deeper and offer some tools for how to adjust this. Yet for now, just notice how much of your time and attention is spent on the past or future in a relationship. Are you safe to have love now? Are you safe to have anything different with love? What do you want NOW with love?

 

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